Yes, That Dress Does Make Your Butt Look Big.

I can't remember the last lie I told. In fact, I can't remember the last lie I thought about telling. I don't have amnesia or a bad long-term memory; it's just been a very long time since I've told a lie. Maybe a decade... maybe less than that. I can't be sure, but as a matter of course, I don't lie. No, not even little white lies to avoid drama or hurt feelings. Yes, I tell the truth even to children and loved ones and people in authority. Yes, I will tell you if you look fat in a dress. My friends catch on pretty easily that if they ask me for my opinion, they're going to get a real one. No, not everyone loves this aspect of my personality, but you might be amazed at how many people do like it, and how easily people start to reciprocate.

This doesn't mean I've never lied. Of course, I've lied. I can remember lies I've told by the dozens, hundreds - huge ones that changed lives and little ones that no one even noticed. I've lied to impress people. I've lied to avoid hurt feelings or disapproval. I've lied to police officers to get out of traffic tickets; I've lied to boyfriends, parents, friends, bosses, teachers. I'd say I don't think I've lied more than the average person, but of course, there's no way to know that. I would say that, compared to how often I notice other people lying, I used to lie at about the same rates, and for the same, ordinary reasons.

What I mean by "lying" is "deliberately saying or doing something in the active attempt to deceive someone, or make another person believe something that I know isn't true." Lying is a social activity and requires another person's active input to do it. I don't think that you can lie to yourself, for example. I don't think saying something you think is true, but turns out not to be, is lying (e.g., "It's going to rain today!" when it turns out to be sunny). I think there are specific kinds of situations where people say things that aren't true, but don't qualify as lying (acting in a play, for example). These are the kinds of things that most people try to "stump" me on when I talk about this. Not surprisingly, many, many people become very defensive when I say "I don't lie." Defensive and skeptical. I understand the latter and think the former is revealing. It reveals a conscience that isn't happy about the amount of lying the person is doing.

Everyone has lied. All six-billion-plus of us walking around on this earth - we've all lied. Human beings are hard-wired to experiment with how much reality they have to sustain and acknowledge for other people's sake. Children lie without even understanding what lies are. We all lie at some time or another. But here's the thing: you don't have to lie if you don't want to. You can stop lying right now and never lie again, if you choose to. You don't have to, but you can choose to. You may have to break the habit of lying. You may have to re-learn how to socialize with others and learn to see where you choose to mislead people in your life; you may have to ask yourself hard questions about why you make those choices. But if you want to live a life that is defined by honesty - you can.

A few years ago, I made the conscious decision to stop lying - to stop saying or doing things to make people think things I knew were false. This was partly because I became a Christian, and for me, lying is a sin, something that separates me from God. In light of that, I decided I'd rather have the disapproval of my fellow human beings. It doesn't mean I don't want to lie sometimes (it's a rare urge these days, but it happens), or that I don't see how lying would make life more pleasant in some short term situations. It also doesn't mean I'm perfect or that I feel superior or smug about this, because I'm probably less perfect than most and I make mistakes every single day. It just means that it's important to me that, to my knowledge, I'm consistent in this one regard. But you definitely don't have to be a person of faith to value a life defined by honesty.

I've had many interesting discussions with people about this facet of my lifestyle over many years, and in those discussions, the same kinds of knee-jerk skepticism keep cropping up:

"Even if you try not to lie, no one is perfect."
Not lying doesn't mean I'm perfect. I also don't smoke crack, go on killing sprees or commit adultery. You can be consistent about avoiding kinds of bad behavior without being perfect.

"You probably do lie without realizing it."
In this blog, I intend to cover why this is actually impossible, because lying requires deliberate intent.

"Everyone has to lie sometimes, because __________."
That blank space is a big area of interest for me - all the reasons people think they have to lie, in order to avoid some kind of unpleasantness or get something they want.

"What about if your friend asks you if you think the new love of her life is cute, but he looks like Quasimodo's ugly brother?"
In my experience, this kind of situation is highly unlikely if you are consistent about telling the truth to people in your life. Also, you can tell the truth without being needlessly brutal or hurtful.

"What about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy? You have to lie to kids!"
You totally don't; in fact, I think it's harmful and damaging to parent/child relationships to tell even little white lies to children.

"I met a guy once who was into 'Radical Honesty'. He was a pervert, kind of a jackass and nobody liked him."
I'm not into Radical Honesty (Google it!) and think it's a disingenuous, antisocial philosophy. What I think is really different from what Radical Honesty practitioners think.

"What about if Nazis came to your door looking for Anne Frank? WHAT THEN?!"
Because this is the Internet, so the Nazis invariably come up in every debate. :)

So I started this blog because I need a place to explore all the ideas and questions people have about honesty and what it means to be honest and tell the truth. I may not make any new discoveries, because I'm not the first person to ask these questions or make these kinds of decisions, but I hope that at least it says things that are interesting to read and think about. This is also not a pundit, in that I'm not preaching that everyone should live this way or think like this or anything like that. I really do understand why people think they have to lie.

I just disagree, and this blog is hopefully going to be a chronicle about the why and the how. :)